Facebook posts by Mikey Welsh

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Childhood/joining Weezer

hello? heeellloo? you still there? still around? don't freak me out, because i have very bad abandonment issues..i;ve been on the vergre of several pannic attacks today.. only a coule got thru.. breath breath, is what the shrinks tell me.. well, it's hard to breath when there's a giant fucking bear sitting on your chest,,, for me anyways..this all strarted a long, long tome ago... i was 10 yrs old. it waas decided that i was to go to summer camp in upstate ny for a month [i think a month].. anyhoo, off i feeling homesik all the way to where the kids met the school busses in the parking lot of a grocery store,,now, my whole life up to that point [i was 10] , was my mother.. there was no dad around, just me and mom.. so idon; know where to begin--the terror i felt at knowing i had to be away from her.. i was physchly sick.. like vomiting,, i was beyond scared.. and all these new kids.. they had already seemed to fallen into these little clicks.. i did'nt belong anywhere,... with anyone. so, i'll cut through most of it for you.. my grandfather came up to the cam for a day to visit me... i begged him to take me back with him,,, he could'nt, he said.. and then, at some point towards the end of my stay, a very nice/friendly/outgoing counseler with curly red hair approached me,, he had a warm way about him.. i liked his trustworthy .face.... he said that he"d heard that i was having a hard time making friends.... [later] "there was a jast-weekend canoe trip up some river that i was supposed to take part in.. so we went... 2 counslers and maybe 8 campers.. so we paddled up this river,,, etc.. and stayed for the night on this little island.. since we met,me and this counsler had become pretty close.. he was the only friend i had there,, and i was still vommiting at least once a day because of my homesickness for my mother.... [this part is very horrific for me] basicly, i ended up in a tent with this guy... just the two of us.. i fell asleep that night.... but, worke up with him on top of me, his hand [strong hand] was over my mouth..he was very strong.. at least stronger than a little 10 yr old kid..the rest well, is a nightmare i still have.. a nightmare, but it's like a film playing back in my mind, over and over, again. he ended up raping me... violently.. and sodomizing me as well....don't remember much after that, besides the blood.. i just took off inti the woods and ran ran ran,, until i colapsed... i slept in the dirt that night, looking up at the moon...



the first time i met rivers cuomo, was in a bar in the south end of boston called "the deluxe".. it was after a jon spencer blues explosion show.. i was sitting at a table with several friends just hanging out when rivers walked in with a couple of guys from the band. we were all star struck about seeing r.c., and we started talking about how much we all loved his band.. i was trying not to look at him when he suddenly turned and started walking directly towards where i was sitting.. r. came up to me and asked me if i was mikey, the bass player.. i stammered out that i was. he told me that one of the guys in the mighty mighty bosstones had recommended to him that we try playing together, that we would probably hit it off.. we did. this was probably around the spring of 1997.. rivers went off that summer to tour on "pinkerton".. it was late august when he finally called me.. we ended up doing a lot of hanging and jamming together, ultimately playing two shows in boston as the rivers cuomo band..in jan. of 1998, i flew to los angeles to officially audition for weezer...after 3 or 4 days of playing together, rivers took me out to dinner at a california pizza kitchen on pico blvd. in hollywood... he was about to ask me a question, and my life would forever change....



so there i was... at a california pizza kitchen with rivers. "so...would you like to be in weezer?" or something along those lines. that was the question that was presented to me by r.c. the one i had been waiting to hear since i arrived in los angeles several days earlier.. "yes. i would", i think i stammered out.. i had been playing with the three members of weezer for a few days or so. but we didn’t play any weezer songs.. at least all the songs i knew so well. i had flown out expecting to shred away on "getchoo", or maybe "say it ain't so", or any of the tunes off of blue and pinkerton... but that wasn’t what rivers had in mind.. instead, we ended up jamming out on songs i had been playing with rivers for almost a year... "rosemary", "prettiest girl in the whole wide world"... these were songs i loved dearly... but man, i wanted to play the old stuff.. anyways, I accepted the offer to join the band. I flew back to boston and packed my few belongings, turned around and flew back to l.a. where I moved in to a townhouse with rivers and pat.. it was on 3rd. st. in Hollywood..the usual routine every morning was for the three of us to walk across the street to the farmers market, where we would hit up starbucks and sit around drinking our coffee and talking about music.. then we would head off to rehearsal… my initial impressions of brian were that he was a little aloof, but a very snappy dresser.. actually, I don’t really remember brian and myself talking very much at first, although we became very close later on.. another memory I have of that rather dingy rehearsal space was walking down the hall to the bathroom, where I would always hear this band trying hard to rip off rage against the machine.. you also must know that I grew up playing in the boston rock scene, where you would constantly here bands ripping off the big guys.. of course, one day I walked back in to our rehearsal room, saying that I was sick of hearing that fucking band down by the bathroom ripping off rage.. I was then informed that that actually was rage against the machine.. I was in a whole new world…



there was always an enormous pile of peanut m&m wrappers scattered around patrick wilson's drum kit.. pat and i very quickly became brothers to each other. as rivers started to kind of go off on his own, pat and i started spending more and more time together... doing whatever.. but always laughing a lot and always talking about music. there was a time, i think it was july or august, where pat andmyself had decided that we were going to smoke pot everyday for that month.. sometimes, usually late at night, rivers would join us.. but for the most part it was just the two of us.. this behavior included the "wake and bake"... right out of bed, hit the pipe, go get coffee, and off to rehearsal. we never told rivers and brian that we were stoned to the tits when we arrived at practice, but i think they may have figured it out at some point.. it could have been the fact that pat and i would warm up with rush's "yyz", or "tom sawyer"... the other give away in to our new hobby could have been my personal appearance.. after a couple of weeks of getting stoned several times a day, i had decided it would be a good idea to grow out a fu-manchu moustache for a while.. you know, to impress the ladies.. i had also taken to wearing nothing but hawaiian shirts.. in fact, my closet at home was full of them.. it was sometime around the end of this madness that rivers decided to throw me a bone, so to speak.. after having been playing the rivers boston songs, one day he allowed us to play "getchoo"... i was incredibly stoked to be in the rehearsal room, playing one of my favorite weezer songs at top volume, in my new home.. sunny hollywood, california... but soon, the sun would fade away.. and the dark times would be upon us...



"if you’re going to put a little line through the 7's, make sure you put a little line through all of them"... that's rivers telling me that the way i'm writing down address numbers is irritating him..we were in his old toyota suv, driving around the west side of l.a., looking at apartments we might want to move in to..we were fairly close to the amherst house, the place of legend where the "say it ain't so" video was filmed. things were starting to take longer with getting songs together than we had previously thought. we were wondering what kind of direction we were going to take. so, to start saving a little money, we had decided to move out of our cush townhouse on 3rd. st. in hollywood. pat would move into his old apartment in santa monica, and rivers and i would share a place nearby... we decided on the west side..”maybe we should take a break and have some lunch” rivers said to me.. we ended up at a pizza place on Sepulveda, the street we ended up moving on.. without saying too much, we sat there eating our slices… when rivers said “you always snicker at me because I like to drink milk”. “no, I don’t. that’s not true, man”.. we laughed… laughter was really the only thing that would keep us together and sane for the next year or so…I really loved rivers like a brother [and still do]. I looked up to him in many ways..but these days were about to grow darker and more confusing by the minute.. rivers started isolating himself from me more, and I in turn started hanging around more and more Hollywood vampires..going to a party somewhere up in the hills, and not leaving for 2 or 3 days.. doing suicidal amounts of drugs… mostly cocaine..it was after one of these binges that I came home to our 2 floor flat to discover that rivers had been up all night as well… painting his entire bedroom black.. he was just finishing up when I walked in.. “what do you think?” he asked me, a weird little smile on his face…I replied something to the effect of “ummm… “.. rivers then told me that he thought we should go buy a pet… sure, why not? We ended up driving over to venice beach and picking out a little chameleon we named “budro”… budro fit right in to our little family scene.. he was a freak. But this was only the beginning of the dark times.. little did I know that our lives were to become much more twisted…



It was around this time that I began obsessively building model cars… the top floor of me and rivers’ apartment had an open kitchen that looked in to the living room. There was an island of sorts that divided the two rooms, and that is where I set up shop. Rivers and I were a weird kind of married couple..we would usually get up around the same time, which was late morning, and go out for coffee and bagels.. we would usually go from there to the local hobby shop, where he would help me pick out some kind of old muscle-car model to take home and work on.. then he’d drop me off at home, where I’d get to model-building, while he went up the street [Sepulveda] to the weezer rehearsal space to work on our new songs. So I was kind of like the stay at home mom, while he went off to the office.... by this point band rehearsals had pretty much come to a grinding halt.. pat had more or less gone back to his home in Portland to concentrate on the special goodness, while brian was working on the space twins… I felt at this point that rivers was somehow lost… that he had lost his muse. .. his muse, I believe, having been matt sharp.. but now matt was gone.. and it was just me.. I firmly believed in rivers’ genius… totally and completely.. I really loved him. But I couldn’t find it in myself to root him on with most of the songs he was bringing home.. who was I to critique his talent? I didn’t write songs… I could crank out killer bass parts all day long for him…but things really weren’t going well.. for either of us, in anyway.. we dissolved in to ourselves more and more deeply… day after day.. rivers with self-doubt, and me.. usually spiraling in to a self-imposed drug-hell. Anyway, by the time he’d come home at night, we’d usually go out for dinner somewhere, and then hit the video rental store in venice beach… I remember one night we got incredibly stoned and watched the orson wells classic, “citizen kane”… it was an amazing experience to share. And I can’t remember how many nights we literally be crying with laughter watching conan.. it was right around the time “triumph the insult comic dog” was around.. but I think I’ve said enough for tonight.. some of these memories belong to me… and they’ll stay locked up forever…

Weezer

it wasn't difficult finding gwen's house, even though rivers had directions... i was riding shotgun, trying to read his handwriting, reading off the street names. but as we finally rounded a corner on her street, we saw a bunch of limos parked in front of a huge gate at the front of her driveway... we pulled up and a valet guy took our car away.. so there we stood in a line waiting to give the big ape with the clipboard our names..earlier in the day i had secured some high-powered cocaine from some ultra-creepy guy i had met at zoe bonham's house.. yes, the daughter of led zeppelin's genius drummer.. anyways, it was burning a hole in my pocket, waiting to be done... rivers had no idea about my new years eve purchase... we had been invited to gwen's house to ring in 1999, and i was ready to do it up in style.. or so i thought.. so, we finally got checked off the list, and moved through the huge gate... we were barely a few steps up the driveway when here comes this really tall, skinny dude stumbling past us.. it ended up being tommy lee. there were people everywhere, but i vaguely remember him saying something to rivers about weezer, before he stumbled backwards into the shrubs on the edge of the driveway and fell on his back... but we kept moving... up up up... another weird memory i have was seeing an old camper parked up at the top of the driveway, next to some very expensive-looking cars... the next thing i knew, we were sitting at a big table on the front patio of the house..patrick was on one side with his wife, and i was on the other side sitting next to matt sharp... oh yes, the night was just getting started...



although i came to really like matt, i initially thought he was an intolerable douche-bag...and i was stuck sitting next to him..but more on that later. here we were at a new years eve party at gwen stefani's house on new years eve, and i was determined to have a good time.. so i decided to head off to the bathroom, and get things going with the blow i had brought with me...i was on my way there when i ran in to rivers. we had somehow split up when we arrived.. he was talking to gwen and beck.. rivers was always very gracious about introducing me to fancy rock star-types by saying, "this is mikey, our new bassist". i felt like he sort of kept me under his wing in situations like that... anyways, i couldn't understand anything beck was mumbling, but gwen was very nice.. i was, however, impatient, as i had drugs to do.. so once i finally locked myself in the bathroom [there was a long line], i managed to hoover as much of the shit up my nose as i could. almost instantly, i had to sit down and shit my brains out.. it was a fucking nightmare.. people started banging on the door and yelling, while i continued to snort and shit away... i don't have any idea how long i was in there, but i did manage to clog gwen's toilet.. a total backup.. it was truly awful..all i could do was fling the bathroom door open and run...



weezer had this awful, depressing rehearsal space on the west side of l.a. the place was called t.k. studios.. our practice room was like a stinky closet... and very small. these days, we weren't in there very much.. rivers was sometimes, but he mainly stayed in his blacked-out bedroom, studying nirvana songs. pat was back at his house in portland, and i missed him... i was very lonely, numbing myfeelings with narcotics most of the time.. we decided at some point, as an exercise, to start playing some old nirvana tunes as a band.. sort of. pat wasn't around, so i asked my friend todd if he'd sit in on drums with us.. i had played in juliana hatfield's band with him during 96'. brian came in with us and we started playing songs off of "bleach", and "incesticide".. it was incredibly fun, and an amazing release. especially after months and months of failed attempts on our part to get a new weezer album together. an opportunity presented itself at one point for us to play these songs live, in a club in hollywood somewhere [i can't remember the name of the place now.. it's probably gone anyway].. but we needed a name for our new cover band. after many suggestions, and much laughter, the name "goat punishment" came around. we loved it, and it stuck [we would end up using "goat punishment" as our name for secret weever-club shows in the future]...so the night of our show came, and the word that most of weezer was playing had somehow leaked out.. rivers and i pulled up in front of the club in his old 4 runner and there were at least a few dozen people out on the sidewalk in front of the club, trying to get in.. we parked and made our way in. rivers was walking down the street carrying one of his guitars with no case, and a shitty old music stand, which he kept lyric sheets on..we got inside and the place was packed... it was a small club,.but it still took us about 15 minutes to get to the back corner of the room, where we could hide out until we went on.... one of my girlfriends was there, and at some point she gave me a hit of acid..about thirty minutes or so before we went on stage, i began feeling very warm.. inside and out.. i began hugging rivers and bri and telling them how much i loved them... i don't think they noticed my behavior, though...there were fans everywhere trying to get photos and autographs... we finally got onstage..we had no roadies, we were trying to get tuned up, but people were freaking out and screaming at the top of their lungs..we were finally ready... i'm pretty sure we opened with "school", from the first nirvana album.. and the whole place exploded..bodies were swaying, mouths were screaming, and i was tripping my balls off.. but i was happy, very happy.. it was my first time on stage with brian, and i couldn't seem to take my eyes off him..god, he's handsome, i thought..and oh my, we were fucking good.. i really missed patrick behind the drums... but were pounding out these nirvana songs...the walls seemed to be sweating, and the crowd seemed to become one throbbing mass.... this, my friends, was the first goat punishment show...



It was early summer of 2000, and we were on our way to our first stop on the Vans Warped Tour. Weezer had started playing live again just a couple of weeks earlier, and we were all very excited to be out of the rehearsal space, and back to rocking live.. But the mood in the van was rather somber. We were about to start a two week leg of this rather “punk rock” tour, and we were all fairly convinced that we were going to get lynched. Particularly rivers. We were driving north from LA to meet up with our first date of the tour… rivers sat on the far back seat of our van, not really speaking.. pat and I were sitting together on the front bench, trying to lighten up the mood, but it wasn’t really helping.. so we finally arrived at the concert site, and out van eventually made its way back by all of the tour busses.. the mighty mighty bosstones were one of the bands on the tour, [along with green day, nofx, the lunachicks, etc…] there were two main stages, pretty much side by side… I immediately went to say hi to the bosstones guys, who I had been friends with for a long time, back in boston.. I found out soon enough that the bosstones were playing right before us, on the stage next to ours… I walked up on to the side of the stage to watch them play… the bosstones had always been a big inspiration to me when I was younger, and I was really happy to be on tour with them.. so I made my way to the side of the stage to watch them do their thing.. they got to about to the end of their third song, when I started hearing an ocean of fans chanting something.. I couldn’t really tell what they were screaming, because dicky barret was trying to talk to them in between songs… but I think dicky heard what was going on, because he suddenly looked rather agitated… then I could hear it… WEEZER WEEZER WEEZER. I was simultaneously incredibly embarrassed, and incredibly stoked.. I didn’t watch the rest of the bosstones set… I walked back to our dressing room with a huge smile on my face… now, it was time.. weezer’s first major reintroduction to the world… in front of a sea of people.. along with some of our peers.. we were led up to the stage, the crowd still chanting our name.. many heavy rockers had taken their places on the side of the stage, to watch the return of the weez… billie joe Armstrong, fat mike, my good friend joe sirois [drummer of the bosstones] they were all waiting for us… we opened with “my name is Jonas”. I was playing and witnessing a mass frenzy.. the crowd was singing louder than we were playing… rivers gave me a big smile… and all was right with the world…

Touring

I met the guys in nofx when we were out on the warped tour in the summer of 2000. One day after our set they invited me back to their tour bus to take part in some illegal activity, and to watch some porn on their large screen tv. I remember walking up and in to the front lounge of fat mike’s bus, and seeing a large amount of pills sitting on the table. I knew I was in the right place… fat mike and eric [nofx’s guitarist] were very cool to me, and I ended up becoming pretty close with both of them… fast forward to the second time weezer toured japan, we were there for three weeks or so and coincidentally nofx was touring the country at the same time, and we ended up crossing paths with each other in Tokyo. We were backstage at the concert hall when our tour manager informed me that fat mike and eric had just arrived… I ditched vocal warm-up time to go out and hang with them before our show. fat mike told me that he had something for me… a little present.. but, he wasn’t giving it to me until after the show was over.. so out we went on stage, and stormed through the set… afterwards, we all met back up again and decided that we would go out for a huge sushi dinner, and then run around club-hopping… I might have forgotten to mention that the nofx guys were staying at the same hotel as us, which is where we went back to so I could get my little gift from fat mike and his wife.. my bandmates were off doing their own thing, so I brought my friend dan with me, who was also weezer’s lighting tech…anyways, we got up to mike’s room where he presented me with a large bag of mushrooms from his suitcase… in most cases, a normal person would eat a few stems and maybe a cap or two… but I decided to see how many I could eat at once (it was a lot), then gave the rest of the bag to dan.. then, it was off for a night on the town. We started off, as planned, going out for sushi… the real deal. This is where things get a bit hazy.. most of us at the table were concentrating on trying as many different kinds of sake as we could… and we did, oh yes.. then dan and I proceeded to run around tokyo until about 5 in the morning, screaming obscenities at random people, and urinating near famous landmarks…. When we finally got back to our hotel, we went up to my suite to relax with a nightcap… that being some old butthole surfers bootleg videos I had gotten my hands on earlier in the tour…after wetting a bath towel, and wedging it at the base of my door.. we smoked a shitload of pot… just to even things out a bit. The next logical thing to do was to take most of the furniture apart, and make a fort out of the cushions….it ended up being a fine night .. the only downside to this tale, was that I had to get on a plane in a few hours, fly to los angeles, and get on a bus that would take us far out in to the desert… where we would co-headline the Coachella festival with jane’s addiction…



so... this tale ends up in nyc, but actually starts in california... about 40 minutes north of l.a. we were at a six flags [i'm pretty sure] or some similar type of amusement park playing a kroq concert with the offspring.. it was called the "punk rock prom"... so naturally, i wore a prom dress when we played..but that's kind of another story.. anyways, we finished our set, and were hustled in to some waiting limos.. two black strech-jobs. the limos were taking us to lax to a waiting private jet.. i remember being in the back of the limo, with a can of bud between my legs, chain smoking..wondering, how the hell had all of this happened? so... we blazed though all the security gates at lax, and climbed aboard our jet..i think there were about 7 or 8 of us in total. but anyways, suddenly we were in the air..this was a red-eye flight, but i didn’t sleep.. how many times in my life would i experience this? i didn’t want to miss a second of it. i ended up spending most of my time shuttling myself between the bathroom, and the cockpit, where the pilots were letting me smoke.. fast forward to the snl studios at rockefeller plaza.. i remember that of the flight out, rivers and i had joked about how cool it would be to have will ferrel come out to play "island in the sun" with us.. well, we ended up meeting him during rehearsal on friday afternoon... he was incredibly nice.. and he agreed to come on stage with us.. so, then came the big day... saturday. when you play snl, you actually perform both of your songs twice... the first time, it goes live to tape, with a live crowd there.. then they bring in another crowd, and the show goes live.. like what you see on the tele.. this was the season finale, and christopher walken was the host.. i had loved his performances since i was a kid, and had seen his films many, many times.. his dressing room was directly across a very narrow hall from ours, so i got a chance to meet and talk to him a few times.. and he was a total gentleman, just a very nice man.. at some point, i had taken two hits of ecstasy, before we went out to play our songs for the live show... we were also told [at least rivers and i ] that about 30-38 million people would be watching, or something insane like that, since it was the season finale.. and if that wasn’t enough to add to the growing list of "things to do while you’re rolling", my parents had flown in to see us play and hang out at the snl afterparty.. surprisingly, I did’nt crack under all of this pressure while I was under the influence…in fact, I have the strong belief that we kicked some serious ass….



there was a big after-party held when the show finished.... will ferrel, jimmy fallon.. everyone was there... i somehow ended up at a table w/ winona ryder..she was sitting right next to me.. sitting very close, actually. she was'nt shy, let me put it that way. at one point she leaned in close, and whispered in my ear, ".......... well, fuck it.. everyone's asleep. so why bother with the rest of the story? goodnight!!!

ok, just to backtrack a bit... my old bass tech gave me two hits of ecstasy about an hour before we played... so by the time we were up there.. well, i felt like making out with EVERYONE. it was rad.. umm, so yeah.. i was sitting at a big table outside 40 rock, where the after party was being held, with winny on my left, and "leah" on my right... "leah" was growing ever more pissed at me, because after all, winny is very beautiful... and i am just a mortal man... rolling hard on x. my mom, as i mentioned, was across from us.. she insisted on taking a shot of me and winny, WITHOUT "leah" in it.. a bit weird, for me. so we leaned in close, smiled [ my mom still has the photo] and i felt a SQUEEZE... on my, let's say, inner thigh region.. it was sometime around then that winny demanded that i go back to her hotel room w/ her...saying this right in front of "leah"... so, a kind of cat-fight ensued, during which my mom came over and told me that she would be happy if i went w/ winny. [ she really did'nt like "leah", at all].. at this point i was pretty well twisted... so let's just say that you make up yr favorite ending for the story...

let me step out for a smoke and see if i can remember the rest clearly enough... i forgot to mention that my mom was sitting directly across from me and winona... she did'nt really ask, so much as tell me that i had to go back to her hotel w/ her... i was a little frightened.. and... umm... where was i? oh yeah.. wait! i forgot to mention that my then model-girlfriend was sitting just to my right.. i was surrounded. we'll call her "leah", ok? leah was not happy about this situation that was unfolding w/ winny... leah was getting pissed.. and then my mom decided that she had to take a photo of me and winny together... like, really together... like a fucking wedding picture [my mom still has the picture somewhere] so we leaned in close, very close...

i really thought we could have made a nice, wholesome, drug-addled couple... but back to the story...

oh, this might be important... i was also on two hits of ecstasy [even when we played]



Somewhere in northern california... at the end of our summer 2000 tour.. it was at a festival we headlined, and i honestly can't remember who else was playing with us.. anyways, for about the last week of this tour, i had been watching a jimi hendrix doc from 1973, over and over.. the last time i had seen it was the day of this show.. i'm pretty sure i watched it w/ brian, or maybe it was pat, well... whatever, it doesn’t really matter.. we watched it on the bus that afternoon... jimi was another one of my heroes..and after seeing his performance[in the movie] at the monterey pop festival in 1967, i decided that that night i needed to pay tribute to him.. so we went out to the local guitar store, where i plunked down some cash on a cherry red fender jazz bass.. i made sure that for the end of our show that my bass tech had secured some lighter fluid.. i was going to sacrifice something i loved to the crowd that night, which is why i bought a brand new bass [i already toured with a bunch of old fenders]... i also decided to try and keep my sacrifice a secret from my band mates, which is why you may notice that rivers never turns around to see what i'm doing during this clip... so, we played our typically rocking set, and came back for the encores... then, at the very end of "surf wax" [we always closed with that song back in those days].... well, watch the clip and you'll see.... as for the rest of that night? well..i don't remember much, honestly... except that i couldn’t feel my nose the next morning.....



in sweden in the middle of our european tour of 2001 [summer].. back then, it was pretty common for me to take copious amounts of ecstasy before whatever concert we were about to play.. this night, however, i decided to be a good boy and just stick with my ever-present bottle of red wine.., the very special thing about this concert, for me,was that this night iggy pop played right before us.. iggy was always one of my idols, and i was very excited to see him perform.. so as he started his set, i climbed the stairs and made my way to the side of the stage for a good view of my hero.. so there i was, just after his set had started, minding my own business, when i realized one of our road crew guys was standing next to me... with a big smile on his face... he kept trying to shout something at me over the rock, but i couldn’t hear him.. i motioned him to come closer.. he leaned into my right ear and shouted, "open your mouth"... well, i did.. and he put two hits of x in there.. so, by the close of iggy's set, i was rolling pretty hard and wanting to rub and make out with everyone i laid eyes on.. so i headed back to our dressing room for another bottle of red, having finished the first one.. i also wasn’t permitted by my band mates to smoke in the dressing room.. so one of our faithful road crew guys set up a kind of tent-thing for me outside [it was raining pretty hard].. it was a big tarp draped over two huge flight cases, to keep me dry while i enjoyed a smoke.. this thing was right outside our dressing room... iggy's trailer was right next to ours... so there i was rolling hard on two hits of ecstasy, when this big entourage came wheeling around the corner of our trailer.... it was iggy, my hero, surrounded by several huge dudes and more than a few very pretty asian women.... i wasn’t sure i could speak coherently, but when iggy walked right in front of me, i managed to say something like, "that was fucking beautiful, man"... he stopped. he looked into my eyes... walked over and kissed me full on the mouth, and then gave me a hug... not a word... then he turned around a walked to his dressing room...



“I KNOW, I KNOW FOR SURE…. THAT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AROUND THE WO-HURLD”… that was me, standing on top of the special goodness tour van, singing a rhcp song at the top of my lungs to a homeless man who was sprawled out on the sidewalk below.. we were on the second date of the first u.s. special goodness tour. The s.g. tour van was a 1978 chevrolet shortie conversion 350/350 w/ 3;42 gears [ I know this because pat just texted me this info about an hour ago] our van had also been painted a metallic turquoise-blue, the same color as all of pat’s other muscle cars…so here we were, in nyc.. on the lower east side.. it was me, pat, karl, and pat’s old friend lee, who we had brought in to play drums for us.. the first date of our tour was the night before, at Rutgers university in new jersey.. we had been rehearsing for the tour in an old shut down bar up in buffalo, n.y., which is where pat grew up….the show at Rutgers was kind of a nightmare… plagued with sound problems.. but at least a few hundred fans had shown up to see us, so we were very excited.. we got through that one pretty much intact.. the second date was here in nyc at brownies.. a really cool little club that I’m pretty sure is still there.. before our set, pat, karl and myself hung out at one end of the bar, greeting fans that were coming in.. we were having a really good time… but especially pat… the special goodness was his baby,, a musical project he had been working on for years.. and I think he was really stoked to have an actual band together, playing shows night after night, out on a u.s. tour that would take us from nyc all the way up to seattle.. and pretty much everywhere in between.. and I was happy to be able to be with him all of the time now… we hadn’t really seen each other that much since weezer rehearsals had dissolved and rivers had shut himself away in our old apartment… pat and I became very close rather quickly when I joined weezer…. And now we were together again.. I was especially happy that pat was singing and playing guitar… his preferred instrument.. so there we were inside brownies, just hanging out and laughing before the set.. I was drinking red wine [my usual] and pat was drinking beer.. I was also taking klonopin, which had been prescribed to me by my dr…. for a panic disorder.. my problem, however, was to take way too much of it and end up getting really looped-out… which I was now in the process of doing…. At some point a girl I met earlier in the evening had given me some speed.. I was back by the bathrooms with her, making out, when she slipped it to me.. thankfully, this happened not long before our set was to start, and the speed didn’t start hitting me until the end of our set.. all of the sound problems we had experienced the night before were now gone.. and we were really fucking good.. I think the song we usually opened with was “bullshit” we more or less charged through the set list.. pat and I would often walk up to each other during a song and stand just a few inches away from one another…we had a magical connection to each other in a musical sense.. it was always obvious to everyone that we were so connected as the rhythm section for weezer, but we had an even more intense bond when pat was playing guitar.. and we were on stage together. Anyways, we had a full room of fans there, and they were way into what we were doing.. but not all of the shows on this tour would turn out so happy-happy. We would be running into all kinds of weird and wrong situations… crazy [really crazy] women, bad drug experiences, too much taco bell, and I would eventually almost keel over and die from a mysterious illness in minnesotta…. The best was yet to come….

Journal entries

22 august 2001- "i'm sitting out here on the steps of the pavillion bld, deep in the heart of mclean hospital.. the end of the river, col. kurtz.. i can see the ghosts and lost souls parading through the woods.. i'm up here all alone.. almost. there's five other patients up here w/ me and a nice nurse named --. i'm trying to see something, but it's like the devil is pouring ink in my eyes.."



26 august 2001-- "pain. punishment... i'm dying. i hate myself and i'm tired of everything... and everyone.. i want to die right now. you people that have hurt me deserve to feel loss and devastation.. and i can't fucking sleep.... [later] the cutting feels good this morning. i feel completely alone and isolated. why can't you understand? i went in to the bathroom at 6;30am and slowly dragged a razor across my arm until it bled... it feels good now.. it releases something, the sting and the blood... i'm scared, hopeless and weak right now. i want to crawl into a hole and never be seen again... i want eternal sleep...



August [?] 2001--"i'm feeling very down right now, about everything. i have no hope in me as i write this. crumbling. -- is coming up here tommorow to visit me in the hospital, but i don't feel very good about our relationship. i don't feel good about the band, or anything really. i feel like i'm trying to breath with saran wrap over my mouth. i'm ugly. my soul is lost somewhere.. it's dark in here. [later] "forget about relying on other people. i sure do feel like an asshole after writing that letter to her, only to have her call me when she got home, drunk and high, acting like a cruel child.. [later] "the deep-rooted self-destruct mechanism inside me is finally starting to win... it's slowly killing me."



(on reading these 10 years later)

strange, yet familiar.. you know? like, everything is different.. but it is'nt at all... does that make sense?

the demons... are around here somewhere.. as usual..



[not dated] "later... i still feel suicidal, despite the few days of --- [blood on page] and the help i'm getting. i still want to get out and fuck myself up. [later] audrey simply could'nt stop laughing at the bloody mess at her feet. she was naked, except for a dirty piece of a slip tangled around her slim frame. [later].. it's a slow burn. [later] i'm going to follow this road all the way to the end. i have no idea what i'm going to do. i need to get my own space and drown myself in mystic heated wine. i should start preparing paintings and poems to go out to people for the end. i can't see past today. i really feel sick, but i have to hide it... i need to carry on a bit more..." ? aug 2001 [one week after performing on "the tonite show"].



(when asked if rivers was a big part of this)

rivers is my brother... we both had our problems, and i don't blame my own shit on him.



[not dated] "JESUS CHRIST!!! i'm sitting on the front steps of the --- hospital, again. writing away. it is now friday and i 'm only staying until mon... getting my brain picked by the shrinks, again. [later] maybe i should move into an abandon hotel up north, in the mountains somewhere, and play with an axe all winter. sounds good to me. [later] "it's quarter of 5 [am]. i really don't want to run into my mother.. i think i did too much coke last night/this morning... makes me jumpy. it's tough trying to live here [parents house]. tip toeing around like a little mouse, in fear of my mother seeing my true freakish self.. when --- and i drove out to our video shoot for "island in the sun", i felt like we were invincible.. but the night before was rough.. i took to much speed, and it was actually pretty scary... i threw several items from the room service cart at her [head] including a wine bottle, and my uneaten dinner [swordfish].. again, it was probably my fault...



[not dated] "i'm walking everyday thru a nightmare. have all of these events really taken place? am i going to wake up somewhere with --- wrapped around me? [later] i'm not going to make it. don't come to my funeral. i've lost everything. i have finally lost my fucking mind..."



[not dated] "darkness has fallen all around me. it consumes my thoughts and emotions. i feel haunted and terrified by the traumatic childhood events that are being uncovered in my therapy sessions... [later] "i'm still having thoughts of suicide when i get in to these manic states.. they won't go away. even though --- and i are in love w/ each other, i feel as though we're doomed because we are both so fucked up.. i don't know how to help her when she's depressed and self-destructive, because i'm like that all the time... cutting my arms feels very good when i'm in that state. it's an enourmous form of relief... [later] "i'm sitting in my mother's house wearing nothing but my new coat [levi corduroy]...."



[not dated] "i just don't know what the fuck is going on. i can't even write as much as i want to anymore.. there's nothing coming out.. i have absolutly no idea what is going to happen. i'm not sure i would want to know if i could. no band, no ---. i'mstarting to think even my closest friends think i'm insane.. can't say i blame them... [later] " i think i have a virus or something, because i woke up with this splitting headache, which started after i had finished puking my guts out... and then my bones started to ache. esp my back [turned out to be heroin withdrawl]... " --- had to move out of the apt on the upper west side i was paying for. her parents had to help her, and got pissed because they started finding coke-straws under all the furniture."



[not dated] "i talked to --- a little while ago... i've also been doing coke since about 4pm, and i just popped half a klonopin... so i think i'm gonna make it... i got really drunk w/--- last night, and woke up this morning feeling like i was dying. no such luck.. [later] "it's a slow burn.. all i have to do is hone my acting skills, to get away with what i want to for the time being... and no one will know... [later] "when will i stop feeling this way? all of this pain? confusion-anger-apathy-rejection-sadness-lonliness.... I AM LOST. please help me, god...[later] "i'm sick of this nauseous feeling... deep in my gut. i can't see anything... i know --- is fucked up, but i think perhaps that i am too fucked to love another human being.. all of the tests i throw at girls--they always end up fucking everything up..i always push women as far as they can go, as far as their patience will allow, and they always end up breaking. always. i'm tired of being tortured..."

2011

I was lying on my couch a while ago, in my pj's, watching an old "tom and jerry" on the tele, and at the same time listening to the rain outside my front windows [one of my alltime fav sounds]. when, i heard a car coming down my street [which is not uncommon]. i was very zoned-out, but started hearing a very familiar sound/voice, coming from the approaching auto... as said auto got close, i reallized the driver was blasting "buddy holly"... ah, yes, i thought.. i know that voice.. i lived with that boy for over a year, on the west side of los angeles.. so it was very familiar, right? but then the car, as it got close to my house, started slowing down... ah, a prank, i thought, from one of my sick-friends.. but no,, a complete stranger, playing a =w= song at top-volume, slowing down in front of my home, like he wanted me to know he knew where i lived... the funny part of this tragic episode? the stupid asshole dos'nt even know what weezer album i played on!!!



It was really pat's idea to have me play on "the sweater song". i was told it was to be the last song of the night, with both bands playing it at once. we [pat, brian, and myself] were having a great time goofing around backstage. the =w= and the lips went out together for one tune. suddenly one of the tech's walked up and strapped one of pat's guitars on me. the next thing i knew, i was out on stage in front of a sea of people singing along w/ rivers, a song about a sweater.. all i really remember was trading smiles w/ scott, and wayne from the lips shooting a shitload of confetti everywhere... and the rest.. well..let's just say it was a great night...

it's heavy for me.. we went through alot of crazy stuff together... i really love those guys..



I don't know, my lovelies.. i may have to keep this brief.. i just don;t really know what to say.. i'm very depressed, down, etc.. i' having a hard time breathing.. and i;m terrified of almost everything. the future, esp.. i've moved out of my house, and hence out of my studio.. no painting today, as i was busy packing.. this is all happening because of an enourmos ammt of pressure coming from certain family members of mine tp stop doing "this" "this", meaning my jouranl entries and writings that i've been putting up for the last few weeks..aer.s i mentioned earlier, words have been ued in describing this art form of mine.... like "dangerous", "invasive" and all kinds of other shit... they basicly think tht this is an extremly dangerous and embarrasing thing for me to be doing.. so i give up.. on them, on most people [no one here, of course] oh, yes, and "irresponsible" it brings me incredible saddness that what i'm doing here could be construed this way... i'm just trying to help myself, and from what i've been seeing,helping other folks who experience similar thngs to me... but, as it is, i've lost quite a bit of hope for myself thru this experince... alot of darkness in my eyes,, i'm lost [again] i don't know when ill be putting up anymore paintings, as i'm locked out of my studio now...... i'm tired now [ of everything] love with all my heart



So yeah.. here's a portrait i just did of gywneth paltrow.. pretty much capyures how i'm feeling right now... which is lonlieness more than anything... with a little despair on the side.. i've been uprooted from my home and studio because of my art.. and now i'm fucking floating around... i wish i had a lttle cave to hide in... or someone to just talk to... walk around, or see a movie. whatever. ifeel like hiding under a blanket. i am human... i'm not a cartoon character of "the artist". i'm mortal, just like you all.. despite my seemingly immortal past with =w=, all of the shit i've done, the paintings etc.... i need someone too!!!! i'm fucking sc ared, man... but your my family now, and i love you... because you have'nt abbandoned me.



Well, my loves... out of frightening darkness, comes the light... and hope.. i have experienced some truly scary times in the last few days... invlolving well, some things i just can't bear to mention.. but places i never want to revisit again in my lifetime.... everything from cartoon lunchboxes with my face on them, to stolen [missing]cell phones...to.. well, let's not go there.. let us focus on the phoenix rising from the ashes.. i feel, i must say... a newfound hope to live, to conquer.... to paint the most kick-ass shit you've ever seen.. to starting my book [newer details to come soon]. i want to say, above all, the love i have to my old friends for taking me in to their home... and also understanding and taking care of me... i've found a new home and new sense of family, at least for the time being.. which is good enough for me... for now... and to all of you.. for standing by my side, and not giving up on me... even through these dark rants i've been throwing at you... not easy for one to read thru and swallow... so we march on, together... to live [really live] another day... so before i get all teary on you... with all my heart... and love--- mikey



So i'm going on my first vacation in quite a long time.. very stoked.. first i'm off to nashville, to be photographed working on a big painting by a very good friend of mine.. and then off to chicago, to see the mighty =w= rock out.. i'm excited to see the boys, hang out and have some fun.. so everyone take care.. i'll be posting some weird random shit up here [as usual] over the next 9 days or so..... love--m.



Nothing horrible happened to me in nashville.. besides the fact that my hotel was right next to c.mt. [country music television] headquarters. it looked kind of like the 9th circle of hell... but i had a great time shooting pics with a buddy of mine...we'll get some up here at some point.. anyways, i'm very happy to be in chicago now, me being a northern boy and all.. i'm pretty much going to concentrate on my drawings while i'm here, and we'll be posting them up here quite a bit.. and of course sat. being the day the the ol' weez will rock... lot's o' fun to be had.. everyone have a great nite...

love---m.